If you have a dog, there are many times you look at them and swear they’re trying to communicate with you somehow. Whether it’s a weird facial expression or something unusual they do, what would dogs tell us if they were able to send us dog texts?
A hilarious Tumblr blog called TextFromDog answers the question of what dogs might text us if they could and its creator, October Jones, also has published several books. Here are just a sample of the hilarious text messages from October Jones and THE dog.
1) Rap king.
“Let’s make a rap song. Let’s not. FINE. Our neighbor got a NEW DOG. What kind of dog? A pug. What’s its name? Doug. Does he seem nice? He is pimping like a thug. LOL, YOU JUST GOT RAP TRAPPED SUCKA.”
2) Dogs are ALWAYS hungry.
“STILL HUNGRY. You’ve had breakfast. WANT MORE BREAKFAST. You’ll get fat. WHAT’S ‘FAT?’ It’s what happens when you eat too much food. FAT SOUNDS AWESOME. LET’S GET FAT.”
3) Ask and you shall receive dog texts.
“DUDE. I’M READY. ROLL OVER. DONE IT. LIFT YOUR PAW. DONE IT. PLAY DEAD. DONE IT. [censored]. I mean SIT. TOO LATE. WAY TOO LATE.”
4) Two is better than one!
“OMFG I can’t hold it in any longer. Hold what in? I have to tell you. You accidentally fed me TWICE this morning. Did I? YEP. Once when you got up, and AGAIN before you left for work. Why didn’t you tell me? BECAUSE I GOT TWO BREAKFASTS. THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.”
5) He’s got a date.
“MY FRIEND SNOWY’S HERE TO PICK ME UP. Pick you up? WE’RE GOING INTO TOWN TO BARK AT THE PIGEONS. WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘PICK YOU UP?’ DO NOT GET IN THAT CAR.”
6) He’ll be playing that dog texts card for a while.
“Dude, I accidentally smashed a lamp. Why do you ALWAYS break my stuff? I don’t ALWAYS break your stuff. Remember when you CRACKED THE TV SCREEN? Remember when you SHREDDED MY MATTRESS? Remember when you PAID SOMEONE TO CUT MY BALLS OFF? I’ll just buy a new lamp.”
7) Priorities first. Dog texts.
“Who’s MORE important: ME or your girlfriend? Girlfriend. YOU ASSHOLE. The rule is PETS BEFORE SEX. That’s a rule you just made up. No. JESUS made that rule. If YOU had a girlfriend, would you put ME first? OF COURSE. OWNER BEFORE BONER.”
8) He let Jesus down.
“HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO PUT UP THE CHRISTMAS TREE? Two hours. I PULLED IT DOWN IN 15 SECONDS. YOU’VE LET JESUS DOWN.”
9) Too much information.
“You should be posting texts EVERY DAY. Alright. PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW WHAT I’M DOING EVERY DAY. Ok. YOU CAN’T KEEP ME FROM TELLING MY STORY. OKAY. WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY? STARED AT THE WALL FOR SIX HOURS THEN BARKED AT MY OWN FART.”
10) Game. Set. Match.
“Are you in the supermarket? Yes. There’s a woman waiting for you outside. She’s going to KICK YOUR ASS. What?! Why? Because you left me in the car with the windows shut. SHE LOVES DOGS. I LEFT A WINDOW OPEN. I KNOW. I CLOSED IT. THEN LAY DOWN LIKE I WAS DYING LOL. GAME. SET. MATCH. DOG.”
11) Not a good idea in dog texts.
“HOW COME HUMANS GET TO NAME THEIR DOGS, BUT DOGS CAN’T NAME THEIR HUMANS? What would you call me? THUNDER TWONK. THE TWO LEGGED [censored] MONKEY. That’s why.”
12) Haylo Hooman.
“AWESOME MORNING. I thought BENEDICT to text. Why would you do that? He’s my BEST FRIEND. He creeps me out. He wants to text you. No thanks. HAYLO HOOMAN. Jesus Christ. NO JESUS. BENEDICK.
13) It might work…
“REMEMBER. Your mum’s coming to dinner. I know. And you still don’t have a girlfriend. I KNOW. I could dress up as your girlfriend. Definitely not. Dude, your mum will be like ‘OMG I’M SO HAPPY HE FINALLY MET SOMEONE.’ Nope. She’ll be like ‘OMG HE PUT HIS DOG IN A DRESS.'”
14) The dreaded cone.
“How long do I have to wear this cone? ‘Til your stitches come out. It’s HUMILIATING. WELL STOP FIGHTING SQUIRRELS. I KEEP BUMPING INTO WALLS N [censored]. So SIT DOWN. WHEN I SIT DOWN I LOOK LIKE A DESK LAMP.”
15) Dog texts with a knock-knock joke!
“Tell me a joke. No. You don’t understand jokes. OH SURE. BECAUSE HUMANS ARE SO SMART AND DOGS ARE DUMB. Knock Knock. OMG, THERE’S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR. BRB.”
16) The fleatles.
“WHY HAVE YOU BOUGHT FLEA SHAMPOO? Er…To get rid of your fleas, genius. YOU CAN’T. I PROMISED PAUL, JOHN, RINGO, AND GEORGE THAT THEY COULD STAY. You named your fleas. THEY’RE THE FLEATLES. THEY WERE LIKE ‘HELP. WE NEED SOMEBODY.'”
17) Dogs love it when their owner arrives home.
“YOU’RE HOME!!! Nope. I HEARD A CAR DOOR!!! Wasn’t me. GOT ALL EXCITED. Sorry. SHOUTING AT THE FRONT DOOR. Calm down. CAN’T. STUCK IN [censored] CRAZY MODE.”
18) Infamous belly scratch dog texts.
“THIS MORNING THE POSTMAN RUBBED MY BELLY. DID YOU TELL HIM TO DO THAT? I might have mentioned it. YOU REVEALED MY WEAKNESS TO MY GREATEST ENEMY. HE’S NOT YOUR ENEMY. I’VE BEEN BETRAYED BY MY OWN BUTLER. I’M NOT YOUR BUTLER.”
19) That was easy.
“I think I might be depressed. WHAT’S THIS? THAT’S A BALL. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.”
20) The struggle is real.
“Awesome morning. I wrapped myself in toilet paper. I’M A MUMMY LOL. STOP WASTING TOILET PAPER. I’m using it to FUEL MY IMAGINATION. You use it to WIPE YOUR [censored]. Which of us is ‘WASTING’ toilet paper? CHECK. MATE.”
21) One word: Gullible.
“CHASING TAIL. GET IT. GET THAT TAIL. ALMOST GOT IT. ALMOST GOT IT. ALMOST GOT IT. ALMOST GOT IT. Try changing direction. OMFG TAIL CHANGED DIRECTION TOO. That sneaky BASTARD.”
22) Dog texts and the concept of time.
“WHERE ARE YOU? At the supermarket. WHEN WILL YOU BE BACK? Soon. HOW LONG HAVE BEEN GONE? IT FEELS LIKE A LIFETIME. 10 minutes. I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.”
Please share these dog texts with your friends and family.