Moms Confess the Weirdest Things Their Kids Have Ever Done and They’re Hilarious

Comedians Shayna Ferm and Tracey Tee give out index cards to their audience members at every one of their comedy shows, “The Pump and Dump”. On these cards, moms write down the weirdest or grossest thing their kids have ever done.

The following 22 cards are just a sample of what moms write but they are incredibly funny. If you thought your kids had an odd habit or did strange things, you might be surprised at what these kids do.

1)

It reads, “While at Coors Field my daughter lifted my skirt in front of the crowd because she saw melted chocolate on my skirt she wanted to put in her mouth.”

2)

It reads, “I parked in front of a church. My son said, “what’s that?” I said “a church.” What’s a “church?” he says. “A place they worship a guy named God,” I say. He says “like God damn?” I reply ‘not exactly.'”

3)

It reads, “My 4-year-old son told me, ‘Mama when I get married, you’re going to get pushed out of my heart.'”

4)

It reads, “My 3-year-old was in the bath, head tilted down. While I was washing his hair, he peed in his own mouth!!! Yuck.”

5)

It reads, “My 4-year-old son said “Don’t know me, don’t blow me” at the dinner table at my conservative Mennonite in-laws’ house in Iowa! Not sure where he learned that one!!”

6)

It reads, “3-year-old told me he had to go potty. Instead, he went to our bathroom, stripped naked, and slathered hubby’s deodorant all over himself before licking it like a lollipop.”

7)

It reads, “My 4-year-old son calls his uncircumcised penis “magic” when it’s erect.”

8)

It reads, “My daughter and our neighbor’s son were caught running naked with blue cream eyeshadow all over their bodies and they ran to hide and covered her white sheets in makeup.”

9)

It reads, “My girl and boy picked their own boogers and fed them to each other.”

10)

It reads, “As an experiment, my daughter put her pajamas in the valet dry cleaning bag to see if it would come back. $10 dollars later, it did. She was so excited.”

11)

It reads, “Buttered the kitchen floor with a stick of butter.”

12)

It reads, “My 4-year-old at the time in the middle of Nordstrom screamed, ‘Mom, your butt smells like Cheetos!'”

13)

It reads, “My son pooped in my purse which I then opened in a fancy clothing boutique at the cashier counter without knowing I was unleashing his wrath!”

14)

It reads, “My son saw me naked and said, ‘Mommy, why does your front butt point to your other butt?'”

15)

It reads, “My daughter ordered a salad with no lettuce.”

16)

It reads, “My 4-year-old stuck his finger up a goat’s butt at a petting zoo.”

17)

It reads, “My daughter asked for “cock” for breakfast.”

18)

It reads, “My 6-year-old got up at 4:30 am, opened a 3-pound package of raw hamburger meat and made cave paintings on the walls, floors, couches, and coffee table. There were blood and bits of raw meat from the kitchen to the living room. It stunk to high heaven since it had been out for hours when I found it.”

19)

It reads, “He got mad at me (my 7-year-old). He hid my phone and purposefully placed it on Do Not Disturb. I didn’t find it for 2 days.”

20)

It reads, “My daughter told the checkout lady at Walmart to hurry up when we were waiting in line.”

21)

It reads, “My son dropped a turd in his bath and used it for a toy submarine, plastic soldiers included!”

22)

It reads, “Can we get a ban on all the erectile dysfunction meds on during NFL football games?! It can’t be good when your 7-year-old announces, ‘Yay! I’m healthy enough for sex!!'”

H/t: HuffPost

Kids will be kids and they’ll always find a way to make us laugh. Please share these funny mom confessions with your friends and family.

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