The hallmarks of a traditional relationship are sexual monogamy, the merging of identity (doing everything together), and, eventually, procreation. But what happens to those who choose the dating and relationship path less traveled rather than blindly follow the conventional script? Today we explore societal judgment on unconventional dating setups and provide insights into navigating these challenges.
Understanding Societal Norms and Unconventional Dating
Society’s norms and views are deeply ingrained and often resistant to change, even when individuals practice unconventional dating. A case in point is the 2022 MomTok scandal. Taylor Paul, featured in The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, revealed on TikTok that she had participated in soft swinging with members of her community. This revelation made her infamous for going against the conventions of Mormon culture, where exclusivity in intimacy is a core value.
Such reactions underscore the challenge of deviating from societal norms. Understanding these norms and their historical roots is crucial in addressing societal judgment.
The Middle Ground Between Monogamy and Infidelity
Soft swinging represents a middle ground between monogamy and infidelity. This practice involves couples engaging in sexual acts, such as kissing or oral sex, with others, while adhering to agreed-upon boundaries that stop short of full sexual intercourse. The term “soft” reflects these limitations, distinguishing it from traditional swinging.
Soft swinging appeals to individuals or couples who got married young or had few partners before their marriage. While it can provide exploration and excitement within defined limits, societal judgment can still loom large.
One strategy to avoid judgment is discretion—keeping such arrangements private. If judgment arises, limiting interactions with critical individuals and avoiding defensive behavior can help. As a last resort, addressing the issue directly may be necessary to establish boundaries.
How Prevalent Is Sexual Monogamy?
Contrary to popular belief, complete monogamy may not be the relationship ideal for a significant portion of the population. According to a 2023 YouGov poll, 34% of Americans do not view complete monogamy as the ideal relationship model. In this survey, respondents rated their ideal relationship on a scale from 0 to 6, where 0 represented complete monogamy and 6 was the complete opposite. Notably, 26% chose a number between 1 and 5.
The interest in non-monogamous arrangements is higher among younger generations. Among Americans under 45, 46% of men and 28% of women prefer a relationship that falls between the extremes of monogamy and non-monogamy. This trend suggests that attitudes toward traditional relationship structures are evolving.
The Issues With Monogamy
The insistence on monogamy as the societal standard can be perplexing, especially considering it is not universal among humans or animals. Just 29% of primates and 9% of all mammals are monogamous. Historically, 84% of indigenous societies practiced polygamy before Western imperialism imposed monogamy as the dominant model.
One reason monogamy became prevalent could be joint parenting, where two parents collaboratively raise children. However, modern arrangements like “alloparenting,” where grandparents or other adults assist in childcare, demonstrate that alternatives exist. Couples who choose not to have children may find traditional monogamy less relevant to their needs.
Moreover, changing societal attitudes are reflected in data from the General Social Survey, which has tracked intimate partner numbers since 1989. Among people born in the 1930s, 40% reported having had only one sexual partner in their lifetime. This percentage declined to 30% for those born in the 1940s and around 20% for younger Americans, suggesting that both behavior and attitudes toward non-monogamy are shifting.
Changing Perspectives on Societal Judgment
Rather than viewing societal judgment as a burden to “deal” with, it can be reframed as a relic of an outdated era. The increasing acceptance of diverse relationship models indicates that societal norms are becoming more inclusive. Individuals navigating unconventional dating setups should focus on their values and relationships rather than external opinions.
To reduce the impact of judgment:
- Embrace self-acceptance and confidence in your choices.
- Seek supportive communities or forums where unconventional relationships are normalized.
- Educate others (if appropriate) about your perspective to foster understanding and reduce bias.
FAQ: Navigating Unconventional Relationships
How do you deal with a close person judging your relationship?
If a friend or loved one is judgmental, communicate openly and honestly. Express how their judgment makes you feel and emphasize your desire for mutual respect. For example, tell them you value their support and trust while asserting your right to make choices that align with your happiness.
Additionally, reflect on your behavior to ensure you’ve approached others without judgment in the past. Recognizing that everyone faces societal judgment at some point can foster empathy and mutual understanding.
When should you tell someone you don’t want your relationship to be exclusive?
Clarify your intentions early in the relationship to set expectations and avoid misunderstandings. Ideally, mention your preference for a non-exclusive arrangement within the first 1-3 months, as this is when many people naturally transition toward exclusivity in traditional relationships.
Embracing Authentic Connections
Unconventional dating setups challenge societal norms but offer individuals the freedom to design relationships that align with their values and needs. While societal judgment may persist, shifting attitudes toward non-monogamy and alternative relationship models indicate a more inclusive future.
The key to navigating societal judgment lies in self-acceptance and open communication. By confidently embracing your choices and fostering honest discussions with those around you, you can build meaningful connections that reflect your authenticity. In a world of evolving relationship norms, the courage to follow your path can lead to greater fulfillment and happiness.
Please share how to deal with social judgment in unconventional dating setups with your friends and family.
