103 Funny One-Liner Jokes

Have you ever been in a situation where you needed to make someone laugh, but you didn’t have any material? Well, never fear, because one-liner jokes are here to save the day! One-liners are the best way to show off your quick wit and humor because they’re short and easy to remember.

103 Funny One-Liner Jokes.

I personally love short jokes with one or two lines because it doesn’t take forever to reach the punchline and you don’t risk losing the attention of your audience. With 103 funny one-liner jokes, some of them are bound to fall into dad joke territory but they’re all perfect for when you need a quick pick-me-up or simply need to make someone smile. So don’t be afraid to use them the next time you need to lighten the mood!

Let the funny one-liner jokes begin!

1) What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.

2) The best thing about the good old days is that we were neither good nor old.

3) Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.

4) I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

5) “What did the alien say to the cat? Take me to your litter.”

6) I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

7) Apparently, I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

8) If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?” “Pilgrims.

9) Why are art collectors such big fans of gasoline? Because it makes their Van Gogh.

10) As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

11) I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up. That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out.

12) If at first, you don’t succeed with a crowbar, pry, pry again.

13) I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.

14) “I went bald but I still kept my comb. I just can’t part with it.”

15) Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics!

Not only a great joke but a great tip!

16) Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.

17) I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!

18) What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

19) What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.

20) The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

21) If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

22) Why was Cinderella dropped from the soccer team? She kept running away from the ball.

23) Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I’m a mile away and I have his shoes.

24) Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

25) Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.

26) What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.

27) What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.

28) Dogs can’t see your bones. But CAT scan.

29) What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.

30) I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.

Funny one-liner jokes any dad would be proud of.

31) Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!

32) I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

33) A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside.

34) My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence.

35) My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. Jack and the beans talk.

36) What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

37) Do you know how scientists freshen their breath? With experi-mints!

38) Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at.

39) I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

40) I asked the IT guy, “How do you make a Motherboard?” He said, “I tell her about my job.”

41) I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up my pillow was gone.

42) I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

43) You have two parts of the brain, “left” and “right”. On the left side, there’s nothing right and on the right side, there’s nothing left.

44) I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.

45) Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

Wrong on so many “levels”…Haha.

46) I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels.

47) How does a computer get drunk? It takes screenshots.

48) Don’t believe the hype. Velcro is the ultimate rip-off.

49) I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.

50) If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $6.30 now.

51) My IQ test results came back. They were negative.

52) Is your bottom jealous of the amount of crap that comes out of your mouth?

53) It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

54) You know it is going to be a bad day when the letters in your alphabet soup spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.

55) The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

56) Money talks. Mine always says goodbye.

57) Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

58) My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

59) There’s a new restaurant called Karma. There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.

60) Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!

Brilliant one liner jokes

61) I’m on a whiskey diet…I’ve lost three days already.

62) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

63) I own the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it’s awful.

64) A perfectionist walked into a bar…Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

65) The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

66) Peter Pan is a terrible boxer. Whenever he throws a punch, it Neverlands.

67) Have you played the updated kids’ game? I Spy With My Little Eye…Phone.

68) The problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back.

69) I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love, but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it. It’s all about balance.

70) I recently saw a sign that said: “Watch for Animals.” What a great deal!

71) Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

72) A sandwich tried to get a reservation at a restaurant, but the waiter said they don’t serve food there.

73) Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called a wedding cake.

74) Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

75) So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means? It’s not the end of the world.

Best one-liner jokes

76) Don’t spell part backward. It’s a trap.

77) I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, then it dawned on me.

78) If you suck at playing the trumpet that’s probably why.”

79) Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

80) The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. It’s that no one runs in your family.

81) What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.

82) There are three types of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

83) If you think eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better.

84) I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

85) I’m throwing a space-themed party for my birthday, but I don’t want to planet.

86) What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.

87) Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

88) I tried to do my homework but my pencil broke, so it was pointless.

89) 250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.

90) I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

One-liner jokes to make you laugh!

91) I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather…Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

92) I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off. Too much sax and violins.

93) I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems. The first thing he did was make me pay in advance.

94) Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.

95) What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”

96) When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

97) Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.

98) My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

99) Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

100) I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.

101) The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

102) Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

103) When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

I hope you enjoyed these funny one-liner jokes!

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