Laughter truly is the best medicine and if you need some funny jokes to tickle your funny bone, look no further! Two-line jokes are great because their easy to remember and generally just as funny as long jokes. I hope you enjoy the following funny jokes and be sure to share them with friends that could use a few laughs!
1) Let the funny jokes begin!
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
2)
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
3)
And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
4)
What animal is best at baseball? A bat!
5)
Why are frogs always so happy? They eat what ever bugs them.
6)
What’s a balloons least favorite activity? A pop quiz!
7)
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey…and a cola.” “Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure. I was born with them.”
8)
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
9)
A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners. The lady says, “Come Again!” The blonde says, “No, it’s toothpaste this time.”
10)
What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick.
11)
What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation.
12)
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
13)
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.
14)
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
15)
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat? Thunderwear.
16)
I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
17)
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite!
18)
How does a cucumber become a pickle? It goes through a jarring experience.
19)
“Dad, did you get a haircut?” “No, I got them all cut!”
20)
What did the Dalmatian say after lunch? That hit the spot!
21)
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
22)
Why didn’t Luke cross the road? He got a ticket for Skywalking!
23)
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? Put it on my bill.
24)
What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? A dino-snore!
25)
What do you call a magic Labrador? A Labracadabdoor!
26)
Doctor, doctor! They’ve dropped me from the cricket team – they call me butterfingers…Don’t worry, what you have is not catching!
27)
I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
28)
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
29)
Why can’t Elsa from Frozen have a balloon? Because she will “let it go, let it go.”
30)
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
31)
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.
32)
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
33)
What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield.
34)
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
35)
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”
36)
How many times can you subtract 10 from 100? Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.
37)
I invented a new word: Plagiarism!
38)
What insect is the most untidy? The litterbug!
39)
What is fast, loud and crunchy? A rocket chip!
40)
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!
41)
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, they’re efficient and not very funny.
42)
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.
43)
My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
44)
What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!
45)
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
46)
“Dad, can you put my shoes on?” “No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.”
47)
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken wasn’t born yet.
48)
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!
49)
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
50)
Someone stole my mood ring, I don’t know how I feel about that.
51)
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
52)
Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake!
53)
Why did the teddy bear say no to pudding? Because he was stuffed!
54)
What do you think of that new diner on the moon? The food was good, but they’re really wasn’t much atmosphere.
55)
I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
56)
What time is it when the clock strikes 13? Time to get a new clock.
57)
What did one toilet say to the other? You look a bit flushed.
58)
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
59)
Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other? Dill with it.
60)
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
61)
Where do the Avengers grab their super-skinny lattes? Starkbucks!
62)
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!
63)
I wish I had a book about boomerangs…I lent out my last one but it never came back!
64) Oh no! We’ve almost reached the end of funny jokes…
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast.
65)
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
66)
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
67)
What do you find in Superman’s bathroom? Superbowl!
68) Break out the funny “Yo momma” jokes!
Yo momma so dumb, she tried to surf the microwave.
69)
Yo mama so ugly, she made my Happy Meal cry.
70)
Yo mama so fat, she doesn’t need internet, she’s already worldwide.
71)
You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.
I hope you enjoyed these funny jokes!
Please share these funny jokes to your friends and family and help brighten their day.
