47 Best Marriage Tweets That Only Married People Will Understand

Ever notice single people are always smiling? There are numerous studies on the subject but one reason is that they are in control of their personal time. Want to go out with friends? No problem! Want to buy a big-screen TV? No problem!

But if and when you decide to tie the knot, you quickly realize that marriage is a two-way street. For that reason, only married people will relate to these hilarious funny marriage tweets.

1) That escalated quickly!

47 Best Marriage Tweets - That escalated quickly!
Twitter / @david8hughes

“[wife drops me at the airport] Wife: Have a safe flight. Me: I have no say in the matter. Wife [already driving off]: Die then.”

2) Sharing is caring…or so they say.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - Sharing is caring...or so they say.
Twitter / @tchrquotes

“Me: Look, I love you, but I made exactly the amount of cheese and crackers I want to eat right now. Wife: But I only…Me: EXACTLY the amount.”

3) Well played, sir, well played indeed.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - Well played, sir, well played indeed.
Twitter / @david8hughes

“Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late. Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: You always do this.”

4) We all know who runs the show…

47 Best Marriage Tweets - We all know who runs the show...
Twitter / @justinguarini

“My wife wanted two kittens but I am the man in this house so we got two kittens.”

5) Even marriage tweets have their limits.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - Even marriage has its limits.
Twitter / @Six_Pack_Mom

“*watching husband sleep* Me: I just love him so much, he’s my everything-*husband snores* Me: I can’t live like this.”

6) Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “letting yourself go.”

47 Best Marriage Tweets - Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "letting yourself go."
Twitter / @crunchenhanced

“I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.”

7) Married life with children summed up in one marriage tweet.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - Married life with children summed up in one tweet.
Twitter / @simoncholland

“Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.”

8) I have a theory that men gradually lose their vision the longer they are married.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - I have a theory that men gradually lose their vision the longer they are married.
Twitter / @wife_housy

“Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.”

9) My pet peeve is people pretending to have perfect lives on Facebook.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - My pet peeve is people pretending to have the perfect lives on Facebook.
Twitter / @TheCatWhisprer

“[Facebook] 5 years ago I married my best friend, my soulmate, I love you. [real life] Eat all the leftovers again and I will end you.”

10) Any married couple will relate to this.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - Any married couple will relate to this.
Twitter / @dumbbeezie

“Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie.”

11) Let’s face it, what you wear is never good enough.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - Let's face it, what you wear is never good enough.
Twitter / @simoncholland

“[Me, on my deathbed] Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?”

12) If I had a nickel for every time I heard THAT!…

47 Best Marriage Tweets - If I had a nickel for every time I heard THAT!...
Twitter / @Mr_Kapowski

“I was just about to do that chore that I see you’re starting now” – Marriage

13) When you see people rubbing their temples as you’re talking, it’s never a good sign.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - When you see people rubbing their temples as you're talking, it's never a good sign.
Twitter @ArfMeasures

“[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you ‘tried some breakdancing?'”

14) Spouses just sense everything…from anywhere.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - Spouses just sense everything...from anywhere.
Twitter / @squirrel74wkgn

“*looks over shoulder* *puts a tiny piece of paper in trash* Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!”

15) Yeah, that sounds about right.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - Yeah, that sounds about right.
Twitter / @FatherWithTwins

“Wife: I’m going to wine down. Me: You mean wind down. Wife: No.”

16) The diaper garbage can is even worse.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - The diaper garbage can is even worse.
Twitter / @ian_mendes

“Marriage is essentially two people taking turns pushing down the top of the kitchen garbage so they don’t have to take it out.”

17) Get ready for a whole host of annoying bodily noises.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - Get ready for a whole host of annoying bodily noises.
Twitter / @bourgeoisalien

“Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.”

18) He’s a brave man.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - He's a brave man.
Twitter / @murrman5

“Where did you get the pants? [wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] You’re not going as me for Halloween again are you?”

19) I’m not a therapist but I don’t think he should be¬†“ostrich sized” for doing so.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - I'm not a therapist but I don't think he should be ostrichsized for doing so.
Twitter / @ericsshadow

“Therapist: What’s the problem? Wife: He replaces words with animal names just to annoy me. Me: I don’t do it on porpoise.”

20) Happy wife, happy life.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - Happy wife, happy life.
Twitter / @3sunzzz

“I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.”

21) Readers gonna read!

47 Best Marriage Tweets - Readers gonna read!
Twitter / @wife_housy

“My husband can sleep through anything except me shining a tiny light briefly on the book I’m reading in bed.”

22) …and fills her car with gas.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - ...and fills her car with gas.
Twitter / @yenniwhite

“‘You see, when a man loves a woman very, very much, he makes her coffee,’ I explain to my kids while looking at my husband.”

23) There’s something to look forward to every morning.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - There's something to look forward to every morning.
Twitter / @WalkingOutside

“Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, ‘Breathe the other way’.”

24) It’s all about finding a strategy to keep it fresh.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - It's all about finding a strategy to keep it fresh.
Twitter / @ashleyaustrew

“Just put on fancy socks and a nightshirt with no food stains so I can try to seduce my husband later.”

25) It’s all about compromise.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - It's all about compromise.
Twitter / @rockymomax

“[my wife and I reach for the last chicken wing at the same time] I swear to god I will divorce you.”

26) Married? Good luck with that.

47 Best Marriage Tweets - Married? Good luck with that.
Twitter / @DWilliamsmh

“I don’t CARE where you put ‘it’ just PLEASE put ‘it’ in the same place every time so I can find ‘it’.”

27) Last but not least of the best marriage tweets! Can married couples actually watch a movie from beginning to end without someone falling asleep?

47 Best Marriage Tweets - Can married couples actually watch a movie from beginning to end without someone falling asleep?
Twitter / @pazarm

“Me: Are we going out? Her: I don’t know, what do you want to do until we fall asleep on the couch.”

28) Married people issues.

"When he leaves the dishes on the counter next to the sink. But not in the sink. Or the dishwasher. Every day. #MarriedPeopleIssues"
Twitter / lindork

“When he leaves the dishes on the counter next to the sink. But not in the sink. Or the dishwasher. Every day. #MarriedPeopleIssues”

29) Does that mean he’s the best man?

"Wife: Stop spending money on stupid stuff. Me: Okay. [later] Wife: What the hell? [dog walks in a tuxedo] Me: He's getting married, Karen."
Twitter / @dafloydsta

“Wife: Stop spending money on stupid stuff. Me: Okay. [later] Wife: What the hell? [dog walks in a tuxedo] Me: He’s getting married, Karen.”

30) Sleeping or not, you will get woken up to watch cat videos or reading funny marriage tweets.

"Marriage is basically just whispering, 'Are you awake? I need to show you this cat video'."
Twitter / @mel_evans

“Marriage is basically just whispering, ‘Are you awake? I need to show you this cat video’.”

31) I’m sure it’s in there somewhere. Just smile and wipe.

"I had to wipe baby poop off my wife's foot. I don't remember that one being in our wedding vows. My wife assures me it was in there."
Twitter / @XplodingUnicorn

“I had to wipe baby poop off my wife’s foot. I don’t remember that one being in our wedding vows. My wife assures me it was in there.”

32) Brilliant funny marriage tweets.

"Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain. Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain.]"
Twitter / @GrantTanaka

“Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain. Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain.]”

33) That’s gotta hurt but be thankful for funny marriage tweets!

"My wife is so much better looking than me that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries."
Twitter / @charliedemers

“My wife is so much better looking than me that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.”

34) No, he just preferred drinking from a vase. Like a true badass.

"Wife: You forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn't you? Me: [drinking milk from a flower vase] No, why?"
Twitter / @TheCatWhisprer

“Wife: You forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you? Me: [drinking milk from a flower vase] No, why?”

35) This funny marriage tweet sounds a little TOO familiar.

"Wife: You pick dinner. Me: Pizza. Wife: No. Me: Tacos. Wife: No. Me: Subs. Wife: No. Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?! Wife: It's up to you."
Twitter / @XplodingUnicorn

“Wife: You pick dinner. Me: Pizza. Wife: No. Me: Tacos. Wife: No. Me: Subs. Wife: No. Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?! Wife: It’s up to you.”

36) How do you set the timer?

"MARRIED SEXT. Her: Is it in? Him: Not yet. Her: Put it in now! Him: Ok it's in. Her: And set the timer! I'm not eating burnt lasagna again!"
Twitter / @WilliamRodgers

“MARRIED SEXT. Her: Is it in? Him: Not yet. Her: Put it in now! Him: Ok it’s in. Her: And set the timer! I’m not eating burnt lasagna again!”

37) Yeah, this funny marriage tweet sounds about right…

"Wife: What are you thinking about? Me: *pauses daydream about zombie ninjas fighting cyborg Nazis from the future* You."
Twitter / @XplodingUnicorn

“Wife: What are you thinking about? Me: *pauses daydream about zombie ninjas fighting cyborg Nazis from the future* You.”

38) Being married is so romantic.

"My husband just texted me from the bathroom and asked me to bring him 'A LOT more toilet paper,' so yeah, the romance ain't dead people."
Twitter / @MUMSIEesq

“My husband just texted me from the bathroom and asked me to bring him ‘A LOT more toilet paper,’ so yeah, the romance ain’t dead people.”

39) Washing will not clean them. You may need to burn them.

"Wife: Running low on clean underwear. Does laundry. Husband: Running low on clean underwear. Buys new underwear. #MarriedPeopleIssues."
Twitter / londonsma

“Wife: Running low on clean underwear. Does laundry. Husband: Running low on clean underwear. Buys new underwear. #MarriedPeopleIssues.”

40) Yeah, that’s called funny marriage tweets.

"The Mrs and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences. She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts too."
Twitter / @TheAlexNevil

“The Mrs and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences. She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts too.”

41) Funny marriage tweets. It’s what’s for dinner!

"Making sure you're the first to ask 'What do you want for dinner' so you don't have to be the one to decide. #MarriedPeopleProblems."
Twitter / @michelleames

“Making sure you’re the first to ask ‘What do you want for dinner’ so you don’t have to be the one to decide. #MarriedPeopleProblems.”

42) Sure beats a pumpkin spice latte.

"My wife just told me I never do anything festive like all of these pumpkin-flavored beers just drank themselves."
Twitter / @simoncholland

“My wife just told me I never do anything festive like all of these pumpkin-flavored beers just drank themselves.”

43) This funny marriage tweet is so close yet so far.

"Like watching a fly trying to find an open window, only it's my husband looking for something in plain sight."
Twitter / @WorkingMom86

“Like watching a fly trying to find an open window, only it’s my husband looking for something in plain sight.”

44) Make sure to throw away the empty pizza boxes. One less thing to get yelled at for.

"My wife is finally coming home from her week-long trip, so you know what I'm getting tonight...yelled at. I'm gonna get yelled at."
Twitter / @ericsshadow

“My wife is finally coming home from her week-long trip, so you know what I’m getting tonight…yelled at. I’m gonna get yelled at.”

45) It’s all fun and games until it involves work.

"Cat purrs. 'My cat'. Cat frolics. 'My cat'. Cat misses litter tray. 'Your cat'. #MarriedPeopleIssues."
Twitter / @DrMikeLloyd

“Cat purrs. ‘My cat’. Cat frolics. ‘My cat’. Cat misses litter tray. ‘Your cat’. #MarriedPeopleIssues.”

46) That decides it, free dessert too!

"Marriage is basically just texting each other 'idk' when asked about dinner until one of you finally says '[censored] it, let's go to Chili's'."
Twitter / @Camel_Crushin

“Marriage is basically just texting each other ‘idk’ when asked about dinner until one of you finally says ‘[censored] it, let’s go to Chili’s’.”

47) Just another normal day with kids.

"5-year-old: *dressed as Elsa* Zap! You're frozen. Me: I don't have time to play right now. Wife: Take out the trash. Me: Can't. I'm frozen."
Twitter / @XplodingUnicorn

“5-year-old: *dressed as Elsa* Zap! You’re frozen. Me: I don’t have time to play right now. Wife: Take out the trash. Me: Can’t. I’m frozen.”

“Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.”

When all is said and done, marriage is about compromises and ensuring that both people get the respect and happiness they deserve. Please share these best marriage tweets that married people will instantly relate to with your friends and family.

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