When you’re single, you often look at married people and swear you’ll never become like them. Once you find the woman or man of your dreams and tie the knot, it feels like magic. But as the months go by, you realize that life is basically the same as it was. Enter funny marriage tweets…
Only now, you have to live that same life with someone else. In other words, it’s not as glamorous as you imagined and these funny tweets are funny if you’re single but they’re especially funny if you’re married.
1) Married people issues.
2) Does that mean he’s the best man?
“Wife: Stop spending money on stupid stuff. Me: Okay. [later] Wife: What the hell? [dog walks in a tuxedo] Me: He’s getting married, Karen.”
3) Sleeping or not, you will get woken up to watch cat videos or reading funny marriage tweets.
“Marriage is basically just whispering, ‘Are you awake? I need to show you this cat video’.”
4) I’m sure it’s in there somewhere. Just smile and wipe.
“I had to wipe baby poop off my wife’s foot. I don’t remember that one being in our wedding vows. My wife assures me it was in there.”
5) Brilliant funny marriage tweets.
“Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain. Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain.]”
6) That’s gotta hurt but be thankful for funny marriage tweets!
“My wife is so much better looking than me that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.”
7) No, he just preferred drinking from a vase. Like a true badass.
“Wife: You forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you? Me: [drinking milk from a flower vase] No, why?”
8) This funny marriage tweet sounds a little TOO familiar.
“Wife: You pick dinner. Me: Pizza. Wife: No. Me: Tacos. Wife: No. Me: Subs. Wife: No. Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?! Wife: It’s up to you.”
9) How do you set the timer?
“MARRIED SEXT. Her: Is it in? Him: Not yet. Her: Put it in now! Him: Ok it’s in. Her: And set the timer! I’m not eating burnt lasagna again!”
10) Yeah, this funny marriage tweet sounds about right…
“Wife: What are you thinking about? Me: *pauses daydream about zombie ninjas fighting cyborg Nazis from the future* You.”
11) Being married is so romantic.
“My husband just texted me from the bathroom and asked me to bring him ‘A LOT more toilet paper,’ so yeah, the romance ain’t dead people.”
12) Washing will not clean them. You may need to burn them.
“Wife: Running low on clean underwear. Does laundry. Husband: Running low on clean underwear. Buys new underwear. #MarriedPeopleIssues.”
13) Great vows. She said yes!
“Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.”
14) Yeah, that’s called funny marriage tweets.
“The Mrs and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences. She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts too.”
15) Funny marriage tweets. It’s what’s for dinner!
“Making sure you’re the first to ask ‘What do you want for dinner’ so you don’t have to be the one to decide. #MarriedPeopleProblems.”
16) Sure beats a pumpkin spice latte.
“My wife just told me I never do anything festive like all of these pumpkin-flavored beers just drank themselves.”
17) This funny marriage tweet is so close yet so far.
“Like watching a fly trying to find an open window, only its my husband looking for something in plain sight.”
18) Make sure to throw away the empty pizza boxes. One less thing to get yelled at for.
“My wife is finally coming home from her week-long trip, so you know what I’m getting tonight…yelled at. I’m gonna get yelled at.”
19) It’s all fun and games until it involves work.
“Cat purrs. ‘My cat’. Cat frolics. ‘My cat’. Cat misses litter tray. ‘Your cat’. #MarriedPeopleIssues.”
20) That decides it, free dessert too!
“Marriage is basically just texting each other ‘idk’ when asked about dinner until one of you finally says ‘[censored] it, let’s go to Chili’s’.”
21) Just another normal day with kids.
“5-year-old: *dressed as Elsa* Zap! You’re frozen. Me: I don’t have time to play right now. Wife: Take out the trash. Me: Can’t. I’m frozen.”
22) That’s pretty much all men, I included.
“Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.””
We can probably relate to some of these tweets and if you don’t, you probably will someday. Please share these funny marriage tweets that only married couples will understand with your friends and family.